Parenting Advice

Behavior and Milestones
Contributing Writer - Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution

Is there anything more exasperating than dealing with your child's temper tantrum? Is there anything that makes you feel more impotent than watching your tiny child scream, kick and lose control over a perplexingly absurd reason, and being unable to stop his distress and your anger? It may be less baffling if you learn where these emotions originate.

What causes tantrums?

Most often temper tantrums are caused by a child's inability to express and control his emotions. Something may have set him off - a sandwich cut in the wrong shape, a broken cookie - yet that is not the reason for his extreme meltdown. Most often there is a root cause hiding below the surface. He is tired, hungry, bored, or frustrated, and this causes the short fuse that ignites the tantrum. The good news is that you can frequently avoid or modify the cause, and thereby avoid the tantrum. Not always, of course! But when your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you'll likely have your sweet child back again.

Handling and ending tantrums

No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. There are things you can do to handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Here are a few ideas:

Offer your child a choice

You may be able to avoid some tantrums by giving your child more choices in his life. Instead of saying, "Time to leave the park - right now," which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, "Before we go do you want one last slide, or one last swing?" Children who are busy deciding things can often be moved towards your goal with a happy attitude.

Get close, Be clear

When your child doesn't hear you or doesn't understand you, it often makes it seem he is misbehaving, which leads to your stress or anger, which results in tantrums - from both of you! Instead, get down to your child's level, look him in the eye, and make a clear, concise request. This will catch his full attention and increase the odds that he'll comply.

Tell him what you DO want

Avoid focusing on misbehavior and what you don't want him to do - which is a common knee-jerk response, and one that often makes tantrums worse. Instead, explain exactly what you would like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple step-by-step instructions.

Tell her you understand her feelings

Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, "You're sad. You want to stay here and play. I know." This doesn't mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.

Create a distraction

Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is having a tantrum try viewing it as an "activity" that your child is engaged in. Since children aren't very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do. Bring out a game, toy or snack and change the subject!

Play an imagination game

If a child is upset about something, it can help to create a fantasy of what he wishes would happen: "I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store." This can easily become a fun game.

Use the preventive approach

Prior to leaving the house, when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate have a chat with your child about what behavior you expect, and outline a few simple rules. This might prevent the tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (remember - tell what you want, not what you don't want.)

Don't hold a grudge

After a tantrum is over, let it go and move on. Don't feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.

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